Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I saw nothing
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.