Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”
Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”
Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”
Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”
Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”
shawn: [yawns] I’m tired
shaun: [yauns] me too
sean: [yeans] and me
You Might Also Like
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.