@heybuddy_comic

shawn: [yawns] I’m tired
shaun: [yauns] me too
sean: [yeans] and me

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@WheelTod

*hijacks plane
*kills pilot
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”

Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”

Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”

Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”

Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”

@atragedyoflove

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

@marinhubka

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

@FuzzyDuck17

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

@daemonic3

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

@FrenulumBreve

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

@JimmerThatisAll

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.