Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

Seems legit

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

(yawn)

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!