Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
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If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?