shazam but for random noises outside
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.