Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

My typo game is string.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people