shazam but for random noises outside
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Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner