Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never ask a starfish for directions

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

“I’m helping” 😅

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

How to find Kentucky on a map

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Kids: Stay in school.