I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
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Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
A simple smile can brighten someone’s day…
…but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*