@bingowings14

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

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@Donna_McCoy

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

@JillianKarger

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

@LackOfShame

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

@Jayson_Two_time

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

@better_off_dad

A simple smile can brighten someone’s day…

…but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.

@BackrowSeats

I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.

@Lola_Areola

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

@Pro_Jones_

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*