Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
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Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
😂😂
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Don’t make me out nice you.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box