Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
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My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt