Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
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My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.