Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Oh thanks BBC.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I finally found a reason to live again.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.