Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
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After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Match dot com, but for socks.
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane