Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
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Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
selfie game
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.