shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
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*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”