shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
You Might Also Like
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Omg 🤣
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways