shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
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Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.