shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
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If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
need him
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?