Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
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My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.