She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

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The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.


I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.


My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier


Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.


Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it


The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.


me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it


Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12


I just shaved my legs for the first time in 2 weeks so if you will come clean out my tub I won’t judge u for making a beautiful rug