She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
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Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
i’m still crying at this
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…