She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details