She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
then why did i get this email
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
In Russia, Pokemon find you.