She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
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expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now