Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

man i love columbo

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls