Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

When libraries troll their patrons.

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.