She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
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My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).