She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
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C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
choose your gary
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no