Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”