She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.