She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Order here:
More here:
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.