Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”