Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

🤣🤣🤣

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

want me to check your oil?

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*