Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

B

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School