She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
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The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
It’s an epidemic…
starting a garage orchestra
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
