She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
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Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.