She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
“our sushi is very fresh”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.