She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
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Punctuation Matters. Period.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
If only
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
