Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

Holy crap this is wonderful

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

She might be a genius

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

I remember when things only cost an arm.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!