Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science