She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
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Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
hand it over!
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.