Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

Lmao the reply

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

BRO LMFAO

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.