She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
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*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?