The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
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Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…