She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
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My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Good morning ☺️
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?