She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
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Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant