She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
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I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
live long and prosper!
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
They grow up so quick
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.