Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
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My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Okey dokey.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
They’re the worst 😩
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”