* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that
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Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Sanitary towels imply the existence of unsanitary towels