She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
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Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
LOL
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
How I’d get arrested…
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
i think we should see other cousins
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.