Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

Inside you there are two wolves