Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Dolls on drugs

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

This could be us… but you playing

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.