Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product