@TommyKarate

She called and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.

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@neonwario

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

@fro_vo

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

@CourtRundell

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

@bazecraze

Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.

@daddydoubts

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

@blondecalamity

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

@MomOnFire

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.