I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
She called and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.
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Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.