Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
You Might Also Like
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
This is the one
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down