My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
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Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I’m calling the cops.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline