She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.