She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay