She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
You Might Also Like
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me