She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
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“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave