Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

Great Canadian literature.

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.