Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year