[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
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*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK