Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

I am, perchance

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.