She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
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I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle