She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
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“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
LOL
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund