She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
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Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
we all know this pain all too well
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?