She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
What the hell is going on?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.