She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
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How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Just got to our Airbnb!