Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

hand it over!

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

rebranding

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

This woman is my idol. Free her.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.