Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

Hard not to take this personally

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

“you look easy to draw”