Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

File under excellent bookstore names.

I think my mom just blocked me

True?

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.