She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
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How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
yall want some gasoline milk
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.