She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
If looks could kill
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.