She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
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a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
“Why you watching this shit?”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?