Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails