She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
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[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.