Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice